Dirty Back Road Sequel, Part 12 REVISED

[thedeadlyhook]

Okay. Take Two. This one's about twice as long as the previous version because once these two start up with their arguing, you just can't shut them up. Much happier with this one. I'll leave the old version up for the time being, just for fun contrast, but this chapter replaces that one. Previous chapters here.


Chapter Twelve



Buffy remained perfectly still, eyes on the empty doorway, as the silence spun out.

"Buffy?" Spike said softly from behind her.

She didn't turn. Merely kept staring, some deep part of her mentally counting the number of times she'd seen Angel's back, seen him walk away.

He'd reminded her of her own death. Her first death, the one that had haunted her for months. In some ways, she'd never gotten over it. It had been her first brush with destiny, with fate, with the idea that some things simply couldn't be changed.

She couldn't believe he'd done that. The way he'd been with her, so dismissive.

Like she didn't even know him anymore.

"Buffy?"

This time she turned.

The sight of Spike just sitting there was even worse. That he could be there at all, real and solid and stretched out on her couch with a blanket drawn over his lap, was nothing short of a miracle. One that until a week ago, she'd had no hope of ever seeing outside of her dreams.

She had dreams like that in the last year. Painful pictures of normality where he'd just be there, right in the midst of her family and friends. Laughing and talking, and no one thought anything of it. Sitting at the dinner table. On the couch, watching television. Chatting with Dawn. Willow. Xander. Her mom. Like he belonged.

She closed her eyes.

"Well?" she found herself saying. It sounded cold and dead even to her own ears. Drained. "What are you waiting for? Isn't it your turn to say something quippy on your way out the door?"

Isn't it your turn to leave me?

"No, can't say as I'm exactly feeling up to it right now." His voice cut through the darkness behind her eyes. "Thought I'd sit here for awhile, drink my blood, heal up a little. Angel can sodding well wait."

Buffy opened her eyes. Watched with some bemusement as Spike made a defiant show of settling back into the couch cushions, making himself comfortable as if kicking back for a long TV marathon.

She almost laughed. All the drama with Angel, all the tension, and Spike was just... being Spike.

"What?" he said, after a long moment of weathering her stare. "You want me to go?"

She cleared her throat. Tossed her hair a little. No, I don't. No, I want more time. No, I want to go back in time to earlier this week, when I thought you still wanted me.

"Thought you said it was too dangerous for you to stay here," she said frostily.

"Um, no, Angel said that, not me," Spike scoffed. He punched a pillow, fluffing it, and Buffy noticed that he had his dirty boots up on her couch for the first time. She pressed her lips together, forced herself not to say anything. Hurt, she reminded herself. He's hurt.

"Too chivalrous for his own good, sometimes," Spike sighed, stretching. "I mean, that whole riff about you being off your game--he's just covering, you know. Doesn't want you in danger."

"I thought you were all on board with that too. Sure sounded like it."

"Well, he hasn't been around you as much lately as I have. I've been recently rescued by you. Be pretty off kilter of me if I didn't trust you to protect me."

"And here I thought that was so emasculating."

"Not this part. Given a choice between Nurse Buffy and Nurse Angel..." He grinned at her, then squinted, registered her pained expression. "Unless... uh, well, if you'd rather I go..."

"No," she said, confused. "No, I--"

And then there was anger, a whirlwind of it. After the night she'd had, the panic and the worry, everything he'd said to her, and Angel... and now he was just stalling, going right back to acting like all of it was nothing, like he could just breeze into her life and breeze back out again whenever he felt like it.

She'd had enough.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she demanded. "About all this? I mean, Angel's always been Mister Mysterious, but I can't believe that you'd do that. To me. All week, and you haven't said a wo--"

"Actually, I did," Spike said mildly, cutting her off. "That first night, if you remember."

"No, I don't remember," she insisted. "You didn't say anything about a prophecy. Or your little suicide pact with Angel."

He winced. "Don't have to make it sound like we're going over lover's leap together. Already told you I didn't agree to the sp--"

"But you agreed to the rest? Isn't that what Angel said?"

He pressed his lips together, made a face. He might have been frowning, but the longer hair hid his forehead; she couldn't quite see his brows crease.

"What?" she said. "No excuses?" She folded her arms around herself, shoulders pulled in tight. "You shut me out, Spike. Don't you even care anymore?" She couldn't keep the hurt out of her voice.

"Where'd you ever get the idea that I don't care?"

"Uh, maybe from the way you keep trying to blow me off? You were going skip town without even telling me."

He blew out a sigh. "Buffy--"

"Don't." She pointed at him. "Don't you dare try to put me off. I want an answer."

He considered her, nodded. Took another drink of blood, rested the coffee mug in his lap.

"Most of what you heard tonight, that was a big secret," he admitted. "And those do work better if not everyone knows about them."

"And I didn't need to know?" She bit the words off; they were bitter. "Since when don't I need to know?"

"Since you're not the Slayer anymore," he said sharply, then took in her shocked expression and sighed. "Look, I just didn't want to worry you, Buffy. It wouldn't have done you any good to know the whole story, other than just to give you something to chew your nails over. Wouldn't have changed anything."

She sucked in a deep breath. Wouldn't have changed anything. Rage was spiraling up larger and larger inside her, a tornado of it, from her scalp to her toes and her fingers, a crackling circuit.

"Wouldn't have changed anything." Her voice was steady, deadly, calm. "Gee, where did you get that idea? Let me guess. Maybe your new best friend Angel?"

He snorted. "Oh, right. Best friends. Because you can always count on best friends to hex you up with a fatal spell. We're pals, Angel and me. We're like this." He made a twisted-fingers gesture.

"Well, you sure could've fooled me. God, Spike, do you even hear yourself? You sound just like him." She pitched her voice low and mocking. "'Ooh, you're not the Slayer anymore, so you don't get to play with us. Girls aren't allowed in our clubhouse'."

Spike gaped at her, the straw falling out of his mouth with a wet pop.

"This isn't about me at all, is it?" he said. "This is about Angel."

"You so don't have a clue what you're talking about."

"No, I'm getting it now. This is about Angel. You're getting mad at me because you're really mad at him." Spike narrowed his eyes. "You know, that really explains a lot."

Her sour face could have shriveled lemons. "I'm getting mad at you because I'm mad at you," she gritted.

"For being too much like Angel?" He let out a bark of sarcastic laughter. "And here I thought His Greatness could do no wrong."

"That's not what I'm mad about."

"Well, then what are you--" Spike started coughing. He set down his mug of blood with a shaky hand, turned his face into the back of the sofa. His shoulders shook.

Buffy took a step forward, jarred out of her anger by concern. "Are you... okay?"

"No," he wheezed. "Feel like hell, thanks for asking." The coughing fit continued. Buffy moved to the couch as if pulled there by gravity, patted his back gently to try to soothe the coughing, stroked his shoulders.

"You are really pale," she observed. "Guess you're really not up to full strength yet, huh." Not enough to take on Angel, and definitely not enough to take on me. She felt a surge of pity.

Spike shook his head. His eyes were red. "Top this up for me, will you?" he said faintly, and held out his mug. Buffy retrieved the plastic jug from the floor and refilled the mug, offered it to him. Still coughing, he turned his face into the back of the couch.

"You want it heated up?" she asked, contrite, an annoying river of guilt coursing through her. He really was hurt, and she was supposed to be playing Nurse Buffy, not yelling at him. She hurried into the kitchen to Martha Stewart away her uneasy feelings.

The anger came back to her in the minute it took to watch the mug in the microwave spin.

He's the one who started this, she fumed to herself. He's the one who wanted to call Angel! She kept fuming even as she carried the hot mug back into the living room and sat down next to Spike on the edge of the couch. Calm and professional, she lifted the cup to his mouth. Nurse Buffy. He drank, watching her out of the corners of his eyes.

"Angel's still downstairs, you know," he snarked, the instant the mug was empty. He licked the blood from the corners of his mouth with the point of his tongue, shot her an evil glare. "Brooding in his car. You want to yell at him some more, go help yourself."

Her professional nurse persona vanished. She set the mug down on the coffee table with a bang.

"Don't start this again."

"Start what? Finding out what the hell it is you're so pissed off at me for?"

"I already told you--"

"Yeah, but what are you mad at me for?"

She blew out a sigh, sending strands of her hair flying. "Get over it, Spike. This isn't about Angel."

"It's about me leaving, then? That's what you seemed to be mad about, before the sun came up."

"Yeah, well, I was mad about that." Not anymore, if you keep this up.

"Well, now you know why."

"Fine! I know why. Sure, great, you're saving the world from the apocalypse, go you! Go you and Angel both, hooray, you're such big heroes. What do you want? Cheering and pom-poms?"

He pushed a curl of hair away from his forehead. Underneath, she could see his brow creased with something like worry. It was a new look for him, at least to her--his face seemed almost careworn. "Thought you wanted that," he said. "You know--the heroes part."

"I didn't ask you to be Robin to Angel's Batman. You have any idea how weird that was, seeing you just sitting there agreeing with him?"

Now he angled his head to look at her. "You asked me not to get in his face."

"Right. And you always do what I tell you."

"And how'd I get to be the sidekick anyway?" His face was the picture of annoyance now. "You miss the part of it where his plan only works because he needs me, not the other way around?"

"And you're okay with that? I would've thought you'd had enough of people pulling your strings." She shook her head, turned a little away from him. "I can't believe you're not fighting this."

He shot out an arm, grabbed her by the shoulder. Turned her back around to face him. Her eyes blazed, and she shook his hand loose.

"You think I'm not fighting?"

"You two seemed pretty comfortable with your little 'con game' to me." She hooked her fingers into ironic quotations. "You didn't even want to hear my--"

"What part of it did you want me to fight?" he interrupted her, anger turning his voice rough. "The spell? Because I am fighting that, believe me. Wanted to take Angel's head off when he told me about it, not that it would have done me any good. I don't have to act when I go out there to talk shop about getting this spell broken--I want it off. Just like Angel's not acting when he's out there trying to keep it on." He narrowed his eyes at her. "Matter of fact, surprised you're not more worried about him."

"Angel can take care of himself," she said tightly. "He always has."

"But I can't? Is that what you're saying?"

This stopped her. "That is not what I meant."

"Isn't it? You did just have to rescue me, Buffy. Poor weak little Spike, he's so incompetent, screwed up again. Is that what you're thinking?" Bitterness soaked every word. "That I can't cut it as a Champion?"

Her gaze softened a little, she let out a soft puff of air that stopped just short of a laugh. "You know that's not it."

"Do I?" He stretched out a hand to grasp one of her knees, his arm laying across her thighs. This time, she twitched slightly at the contact, but didn't shy away or shrug his hand off.

She placed her own hand on top of his and squeezed. "You should. Spike, you're--you're the strongest person I know."

"But I'm not a hero," he said softly. She opened her mouth to protest, and he made a cutting gesture with his hand. "I know that, alright? I tried it for awhile in L.A., you know, doing it Angel's way. Trailed around saving dimwits in dark alleys..."

"You did?" she blurted. "You and Angel... together?" She'd tried to imagine it, when he'd first told her about being in L.A., the two of them fighting side by side, but hadn't been able to make the image gel. It was a surprisingly vivid picture now--she could see them in her mind's eye, all smooth moves and swirling black leather. Iconic. Like something out of a movie.

God, what is it about L.A.? She shook the distracting phantoms away.

He shook his head too, as if sensing her thoughts. "Long story. Point is, it wasn't me, Buffy. I can't--I don't--and I don't kid myself about this prophecy either. It's only on me because Angel gave it up. Got no illusions about that."

"So why do you even want this? Why can't you just--" She struggled for the right words. Come back to me. Stay here with me. Stop fighting. You've earned that. We both have.

"You are a Champion, Spike," she said. "You've proved that."

"And everyone lived happily ever after," he recited, and shook his head. "Thought I was done in the Hellmouth, Buffy. I wasn't. Didn't know what to do for a long time after that. Didn't--" He broke off, a faraway look in his eyes. She waited, breathless.

"When I was trapped in that space," he said. "You know, starving--it was like when I first came back from the Hellmouth. Was a ghost then. Months on months, and nothing else to do but go over things in my mind. Everything I said, everything you said... kept trying to imagine it, what might have happened if the sun hadn't come up, what I'd say, what you'd say--"

She was getting it, realization dawning. "You're not talking about last night."

"Sometimes you ask me to stay, sometimes you tell me to go," he went on, as if he hadn't heard. "Sometimes we... figure it out together, you know? Fight together. But it never added up. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't make any of it fit with what I saw, Buffy."

"Spike--"

"And then I sort of went crazy. There were all these hallucinations, and this bear, and the woods... something about a dog... lack of blood will do that." He rubbed his forehead.

"You're really talking about the Hellmouth, aren't you," she said, as evenly as she could manage. Her voice still quavered a little. "What I said. You still don't believe that I love you."

He let his head fall back on the arm of the sofa, eyes on the ceiling as if looking for guidance. "It's not... I didn't mean it like it sounded, Buffy. It was... I just didn't know what it meant. What you said."

She was momentarily speechless. "What do you think it meant?" she finally managed.

He rolled his head toward her. Pained sympathy was on his face. "Thought that was the end for me, Buffy. You know? I was dying, and you saying it..." His voice nearly gave out, raspy and weak. "Didn't mean you'd still want to say it to me alive. Or... less dead, anyway."

"I still want to say it." It calmed her, somehow, to hear him confirm her fears at last, to finally put a voice to everything that had been hanging between them. It was all she could do not to let out a sigh of relief.

She reached out to trace her fingertips along the line of his face instead. "I was trying to tell you that before," she said softly. "That I do. Love you." She cupped her hand against his cheek. "Just as much now as then."

He placed his hand on top of hers, squeezed gently. "Love you too," he breathed. "Just the same." Then he pressed his lips together, sighed through his nose. "Guess that's kind of the problem."

She froze.

He's not going to change his mind, she thought wildly. He's still leaving. This so isn't happening. I can't believe this.

"This so isn't fair," she hissed, her hand slipping from his cheek. She knew how she sounded, couldn't help it. "You've... rehearsed this, haven't you? You're not even listening to me. You already know exactly what you're going to say."

"Been through it in my head, Buffy. Eight days I was here, all you were ever interested in was new clothes and places to show them off. You want a new life, and it's not the one I'm leading."

"Life isn't just fighting, Spike--you showed me that. And I've been the Slayer, okay, I've done my time, and now I--you could--

"What? I could what? Hang around here waiting for you to make up your mind? You think that's fun for me, Buffy? I can deal with not being the one for you--hurts, yeah, but I can take it. What I can't take is watching you flirt around me like you're still trying to decide. That's bloody torture."

"What do you want from me?" She let out a frustrated laugh. "I just found out you were alive. On top of which, you're... you're some kind of prophesied hero, and you're working with Angel, and... I've only had a few months not being the one and only Chosen One to get my head together as it is. I think it's a little soon to be proposing marriage."

He rolled his eyes. Her entire argument seemed to have left him unfazed. "Who said marriage? I'd be happy enough just knowing you weren't going to throw me over for Peaches when the mood suited you."

The silence was suddenly deadly. "What did you just say?"

"Nothing, forget it."

"Did you just call me a big ol' ho?"

"No. I didn't. Just saying you don't know what you want."

She locked eyes with him, defiant. "Well, neither do you. You don't know what I want, Spike. You're just guessing. And hey, guessing wrong! And the funny part is, you could just ask me. Why does nobody ever ask me?"

"Alright," he blurted. "What do you want?" He threw off the blanket, sat up, swung his legs off the couch. Grabbed her by the arms.

She blinked at him, almost too surprised to speak. "W-What?"

"You want me to stay, Buffy? I don't dance to Angel's tune, no matter what he says. Bugger all this, the prophecy, all of it, we'll figure it out together if that's what you really want. Just say the word." He stopped, panting, out of breath. His eyes searched hers. "Tell me what you want, Buffy."

"You've already made up your mind." Her voice was tiny.

"Convince me I'm wrong."

Heart racing, Buffy stared at him. She hadn't even realized how long she'd been sitting there, silent, until he dropped his eyes and let her go. "Right. Like I thought."

Shame swept her, shock. Her skin pulsed where he'd held her by the arms, a screaming ache of loss. She reached out for him, and he calmly batted her searching fingers aside.

"It's alright, Slayer, it's fine." He wouldn't look at her.

"Wait--Spike, wait--"

"Don't need to say anything. I get it already."

"Will you stop?" She grabbed him by the shoulders. "What was that just now?"

"That was me asking you what you wanted."

"No, that was a test," she insisted. "You planned this. You've had all this time to think about what you were going to do, and boy, you sure put one over on me. Was it everything you thought it would be? You feel better now?"

He removed her hands from his shoulders, shook his head. "What do you want me to say, Buffy? You don't feel about me the way I feel about you, blah, blah, blah--are we done? How many times do I have to tell you that this hurts me?" He stood.

"Well, it hurts me too, haven't you figured that out?" She stood too. "What am I supposed to be doing now, based on your little script? Am I crying yet?"

He glared at her. "Don't make this all about what you want. There's nothing I've ever wanted more than you, don't you get that?"

"Well, you sure could've fooled me!" she shouted.

"What does it take to get through to you, woman!" he shouted back. "Made myself over nine ways to Sunday trying to please you, and it's still not enough. Now I'm doing something that's important to me because I want to live up to that, what you made me into, make you proud, and you're chewing my ear off about that. What's it take?"

"You don't have to prove anything to me! You've already proven yourself! You won, Spike! I love you! I love you! I love you! La la la, roses and puppies! How many times do I have to say it?"

He stopped, panting. Laughed a little, and reached out a hand to touch her hair. She swatted it aside, eyes sparking with anger.

"Well," he said, with a fond smile. "Probably until it gets boring. That might take awhile."

She laughed then herself, her shoulders shaking with it.

"God," she said. "We are so bad at this."

Comments

[speakr2customrs.livejournal.com]

That's much better. The first one somehow didn't seem substantial enough; it was like low-fat spread, whereas this one is rich and creamy butter.

Possibly my analogy is overly influenced by your LJ's colour scheme, but I hope you see what I mean anyway.

[bogwitch.livejournal.com]

Is your butter radiodactive then?

[thedeadlyhook.livejournal.com]

Totally agree the first version felt too light; I'd gone back and forth so many times writing it, I'd lost track. Finally happy with this one.

[bogwitch.livejournal.com]

I loved the last version of the chapter, and I love this one. This one makes more sense though.

[thedeadlyhook.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Once I read it back through, the character voices in the old version really seemed off - I think they seem more like themselves now.

[st_salieri.livejournal.com]

I love the way you have them argue, particularly finishing up with this last sentence:

"God," she said. "We are so bad at this."

Hee. Lovely.

[thedeadlyhook.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much! Once the arguing really got rolling, it was pretty fun to write. Although I don't know what that says about me....

[slackerace.livejournal.com]

"Did you just call me a big ol' ho?"

Nearly peed my pants.

[thedeadlyhook.livejournal.com]

Hee! Great praise indeed.

[jwaneeta.livejournal.com]

I really liked the first one, but this version extends all tasty elements, gives them balance and heft. Gah, I'm too tired to say it tidily. But it's great.

"And then I sort of went crazy. There were all these hallucinations, and this bear, and the woods... something about a dog... lack of blood will do that." He rubbed his forehead.

Yum! Good to hear Spike reflect on his six months in Nowhereland. Because for him, it was six months, after all -- not likely it'd pass completely without comment, even from stoical Spike. And the poor baa lamb remembers eating the dog only as a mad dream! *sniff*

The Lover's Leap crack made me snicker. Heh.

Great stuff. Sorry I'm too zoned to do it justice. :)

[thedeadlyhook.livejournal.com]

Yum! Good to hear Spike reflect on his six months in Nowhereland.

It was one of the many things that got left by the wayside in my many rafts of revisions that I eventually realized had to be put back in. Especially once I thought about how it fit with the pattern of Buffy having to make all these spur of the moment decisions, while Spike has had so much time to think over everything...

Yum! Good to hear Spike reflect on his six months in Nowhereland.

Hee. I just can't help it with the smutty little jokes. Yes, I am so 12.

Thanks so much. : )

[kassto.livejournal.com]

Since I'm away from home, I didnt see your earlier version. But this one is great! They're so bloody frustrating I want to slap them.

[thedeadlyhook.livejournal.com]

I'm glad that you want to slap them! I think at this point in their relationship, they should both be rather infuriatingly difficult with each other.

[makd.livejournal.com]

liked version 1.0. Like version 2.0 better.

[thedeadlyhook.livejournal.com]

Thanks - me too. : )

[stultiloquentia.livejournal.com]

Oh, lovely. I read Ch. 12 last night with a slight feeling of, "Wrong, but I don't know where," and then I came back today to try to articulate it, and lo, you're miles ahead, having revamped the whole thing! I definitely like this version better, but there are still a few places that made my forehead wrinkle.

Spike's feelings are extremely hard to follow. Does he (a) not believe she loves him, (b) believe she loves him but only as a consolation prize, or (c) believe she loves him but not enough to change her life for him? Possibly he's confused himself, but, erm, your depiction of his confusion is hard to read.

Because of this tangle between Buffy's two I love yous, the second one doesn't seem to solve or build on anything -- an unsatisfying way to end a chapter. Obviously, the "I love you" doesn't mean much to Spike; he -- and I -- are still waiting for, "I love you and... (I want you more than Angel/I'm gonna fight for and with you/come here and bite me, you big yummy hunk o' vampire, you)."

And one different sort of gripe: This isn't. about. Angel.

Aaaugh! Do you have to use that punctuation? ;)

This is all very subjective criticism -- it's fearfully likely that I'll reread tomorrow and change my mind and feel like an idiot. Most of the chapter is a joy to read, especially the first section, which illustrates Buffy's bitterness so beautifully, and fuels everything that follows. I loved Spike's boots, and Buffy's comic self-restraint. The moment when he grabs her is incredibly powerful, and the stuff about his little fantasy script so true and astute, shunting right over from that conversation in End of Days. And the very last lines work a treat.

[thedeadlyhook.livejournal.com]

I read Ch. 12 last night with a slight feeling of, "Wrong, but I don't know where,"

That's kind of how I felt too. I just couldn't see where the sticking points were for some reason until I posted. Then they really started to jump out at me.

Spike's feelings are extremely hard to follow. Does he (a) not believe she loves him, (b) believe she loves him but only as a consolation prize, or (c) believe she loves him but not enough to change her life for him? Possibly he's confused himself, but, erm, your depiction of his confusion is hard to read.

Hm. It is kind of a situation where he's not too sure himself, and as usual, Buffy herself is being a unhelpfully vague. The first version was perhaps a bit clearer on this - that he does believe her, but isn't sure what that means, if anything - but I guess I felt the confused arguing felt more real. I may tweak further at some later time, but for the moment, I feel more comfortable with this version. All their problems have definitely not been solved yet at this point!

and... (I want you more than Angel/I'm gonna fight for and with you/come here and bite me, you big yummy hunk o' vampire, you)."

That is pretty much the end point we're shooting for, although I'd say it's nowhere near close yet. Buffy isn't ready for that yet, and on some level, both she and Spike know it.

Aaaugh! Do you have to use that punctuation? ;)

Yes, yes. I've heard this is a fic peeve, but I'm still a fairly new writer, so I feel I can indulge myself sometimes. ; ) Maybe I'll fix it later.

The moment when he grabs her is incredibly powerful, and the stuff about his little fantasy script so true and astute, shunting right over from that conversation in End of Days. And the very last lines work a treat.

Your comments do make me so happy - certainly you shouldn't feel like an idiot! I very much wanted to allude to that door scene in "End of Days" - obviously, from the fic title, I feel it's kind of a watershed moment that they still need to get past - so I'm ecstatic that you picked up on that, especially. Thanks so much!

[elisi]

Oh, I like this version better - more meaty! And my head is slightly more awake, so I'll try to do some feedback.

Like she didn't even know him anymore.

Hurrah! Light bulb moment! She doesn't know him, and it's about time she realised!

Given a choice between Nurse Buffy and Nurse Angel...

Hehehehe! That line just cracked me up!

Angel's still downstairs, you know,... Brooding in his car. You want to yell at him some more, go help yourself."

Such a perfect Spike line!

Is that what you're thinking?" Bitterness soaked every word. "That I can't cut it as a Champion?"

Oh, that's painful! Especially since I think this is how he defines himself now, and having her question this is possibly worse than her not loving him... he has finally found a purpose and the person who gave him that purpose seems to be implying that he can't look after himself. And I don't think that Buffy has quite grasped all the implications of this yet - she's understood it from her own point of view (he's going to leave, just like Angel), but I don't think she's understood how important it is for him to have something to believe in - a mission. And that currently he trusts the mission more than he trusts that she loves him, as he loves her.

It was a surprisingly vivid picture now--she could see them in her mind's eye, all smooth moves and swirling black leather. Iconic. Like something out of a movie.

Mmmm, yes please!

"You don't have to prove anything to me! You've already proven yourself! You won, Spike! I love you! I love you! I love you! La la la, roses and puppies! How many times do I have to say it?"

I really liked that line - the anger and frustration and the fact that she does love him, but just has such a problem trying to get this across. And this of course ties in with what I said above. And she really, really needs to sit down and think about what this means for her and what she's going to do with her life.

Hmm, I think I had more thoughts, but I'll stop now. Thank you so much for this!

[thedeadlyhook.livejournal.com]

Hurrah! Light bulb moment! She doesn't know him, and it's about time she realised!

Y'know the weird thing is, I think she does know Angel better than she realizes. They both have a similar tendency to get all remote and professional and withdraw from people when things are dire - it's the loss of the personal connection that she's missing, and I think that's more a case of Buffy's habit of viewing things as being about her. Witness "Chosen," in which she never really spares a thought as to what's been going on in Angel's life, but instead launches into a big spiel about her own. But more on that maybe later...

don't think she's understood how important it is for him to have something to believe in - a mission. And that currently he trusts the mission more than he trusts that she loves him, as he loves her.

That's definitely what I was aiming for here, and one of the reasons why I thought it was so important to redo this chapter - the first version was too much about the two of them, how they related to each other, and I wanted more focus on them as individuals, establish why their priorities may not, at this point in time, perfectly match up.

I really liked that line - the anger and frustration and the fact that she does love him, but just has such a problem trying to get this across. And this of course ties in with what I said above. And she really, really needs to sit down and think about what this means for her and what she's going to do with her life.

I have to give Toys credit for helping me with that line. : ) But yeah, I was pretty happy with it too. There just seemed to be something right about that, Buffy angry and shouting and almost tantrum-y about saying "I love you." For some reason, that felt in keeping with the spirit of conflict in S/B.

Thanks so much for all the long ruminations. It just makes me squeal with pleasure to be able to discuss.

[kathyh]

I'd be happy enough just knowing you weren't going to throw me over for Peaches when the mood suited you.

Yup, if I was Spike I think I'd want to know that too. I liked version 1 but do agree that this was stronger. The arguments felt more substantial and Spike was saying things that needed to be said. Really loving this story and the complicated tangle of emotions that you're dealing with.

[thedeadlyhook.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I really felt much happier with the character voices here, and bringing up more topics helped me visualize what they're going to talk about as a followup too, which had also been a problem with the previous version. But now, I can pretty easily map out the next part just from building on this.

[lillianmorgan.livejournal.com]

Glad to see you were able to get this posted, despite 'pooter hassles. Was sorta wonderin' how it would all work out *g*
This is so intriguing!!! I love the way you explore the dichotomy between Spike having gone through every possible angle and Buffy feeling her way in the dark.
And the wonderful thing is that you've not made it obvious where it will go next.
Many, many congrats!

[thedeadlyhook.livejournal.com]

The computer problems are frustrating me right up a wall, but at least the desktop-share thing Toys and I have going means that we both have functioning machine half the time, at least. So I just have to budget my time judiciously.

The dynamic of Spike's-thought-this-through-and-Buffy-hasn't... that was kind of an expansion on what we saw in the show, I think. The whole trapped-in-space bit ended up playing as a lucky metaphor for that, for Spike having pretty much nothing to do but run simulations of worse-case or best-case scenarios ("every night I save you") while Buffy's largely been too busy to even think about it. So she really is unprepared for being put on the spot.

I've got all sorts of plans for where we go next. Heh heh heh. (rubs hands)

[db2305.livejournal.com]

I didn't read the first version, so I can't comment on the difference, but there's still a frustrating lack of clarity (for me) on what Spike wants? She's said more than she ever has before, but he seems to be off in some other scenario in his head...
Is that what you meant ot portray?

[thedeadlyhook.livejournal.com]

Gosh, I love this. This is the kind of question that really inspires me, makes me get into my own thematic stuff and make sure it's saying what I want it to say. Obviously, I can't claim to have planned this out very rigidly - the chapter-revision follies as evidence to how loosely I plan - but now that you've pointed to this, I can see what I have got built here more clearly.

No, Spike doesn't really know what he wants. Like "Dirty Back Road," this story is nominally in Buffy's POV, and he's kind of a black box to her right now - funnily enough, if she'd turned that question around on him, asked him what he wanted, she could have won the argument! : )

I guess this is kind of related to my personal vision of the character of Spike as someone who's flying blind most of the time, just figuring things out as he goes - he makes up artificial goals for himself (kill Slayer, etc.), but beyond that, he's guessing.

Thanks for inspiring me! I swear, I plotted out half the next chapter thinking about how to answer this question!

[jenjojen.livejournal.com]

Awesome job. Such a better chapter. Sometimes being picky is a good thing. Keep up the good work. Can't wait for the next chapter.

[thedeadlyhook.livejournal.com]

Thank you. This one was hard work, I feel I've finally gotten an immense load of weight off my brain!

Shouldn't be too long till the next chapter, although some work issues in the next few days may delay a bit. Soon, though, I promise!

[moscow-watcher.livejournal.com]

Delurking to say that I loved both versions but the second one is more poignant and uncompromising. Great job!

[thedeadlyhook.livejournal.com]

Made you delurk! : )

Thanks so much!

[ruddigore.livejournal.com]

I think you've captured perfectly the infuriating way these two seem momentarily to understand each other and be of one mind, then turn on a dime and find a whole new way to get it wrong. This is vintage Buffy:

. . . Why does nobody ever ask me?"

"Alright," he blurted. "What do you want?" He threw off the blanket, sat up, swung his legs off the couch. Grabbed her by the arms.

She blinked at him, almost too surprised to speak. "W-What?"

First she insists that she knows what she wants and, as soon as Spike takes her up on it, we see her begin to slither away. I was reminded of the scene in End of Days when Spike offers Buffy an easy out after their cuddling the night before. She refuses to take it and insists that she wants no more mixed messages - pushing Spike to ask her just what the message is, after which she does an immediate aboutface and claims there is no message. She always seems a bit shamefaced when she does this but doesn't seem able to help it.

They did seem to make some progress though, poor babies, and I do love the angst. You are torturing us in a very Joss-like way (that's intended as a compliment). :)

[thedeadlyhook.livejournal.com]

First she insists that she knows what she wants and, as soon as Spike takes her up on it, we see her begin to slither away.... She always seems a bit shamefaced when she does this but doesn't seem able to help it.

I love your description of that "End of Days" scene - that always infuriated me, the way she ranted about "mixed messages," and then proceeded to act as confusing as possible. In some ways, I see them as still playing out that door scene, where Spike throws up his hands on the whole thing after she can't give him a straight answer, tells her "let's just go be heroes." I think their relationship- at this point, anyway - is stuck in that moment.

They did seem to make some progress though, poor babies, and I do love the angst. You are torturing us in a very Joss-like way (that's intended as a compliment). :)

I thank you for the compliment. : ) And it won't all be torture - for the next part I've planned some more upbeat moments.

[(Anonymous)]

Because I’m late as usual, I’ve not read the original Chapter 12, but I thought this one captured perfectly the back and forth present in many an argument where people hear and latch on to only part of what is being said as the dialogue evolves. I felt throughout as on a roller coaster as either Spike or Buffy would grab on to one sentence out of the most recent paragraph and run with it. (Mixed metaphor much?) It is heartbreaking that even at the point where they are finally communicating, one still feels, as if it’s all teetering on a knife’s edge. Yet, they both choose to persevere, and push each other to continue at different points where one or the other is about to give up (as they did in the canon “does it have to mean anything” scene). At some point, they start latching on to parts that matter and allow them access to the truth: they do love each other. They may be bad at this, as Buffy says (who isn’t?), but for once, they really talked. I thought it did click between them in the very last exchange. Will it actually change things? It’s up to you. ;)

As to the specifics of what was said, there is so much that I can only say I was nodding yes and wincing throughout. Great job!

Gail

[(Anonymous)]

Just read the first version. Version 2 shows much more complexity -- both in the characters and the arguments. I understand Spike and Buffy more in V2 than in V1.

I'm not sure if Spike is quite sure what he wants.

(I keep misquoting "EoD" -- it's "does it have to mean something." Right? Just like your title? Duh!)

Gail

[wickedgillie.livejournal.com]

i thought the original version was good, but this version just completely blew it out of the water. it really was more substantial, flowed better, and the voices were really dead on perfect. bravo!

[thedeadlyhook.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much. Tonally, there were things to like about the first version - it was calmer and more civilized... but I guess that's exactly where it ended up feeling wrong to me. There needed to be a fraught emotional scene between them here, where they both get angry at each other for not being able to make this thing work, even with the love as a given.

[http://users.livejournal.com/wisteria_/]

I can't believe it's taken me so long to sit down and start reading this story, but oh, I'm SO glad I did. It's marvelous work. :)

[thedeadlyhook.livejournal.com]

Oh, geez... thank you. That means a lot to me, since I've read and admired tons of your fic for its lovely use of language, and I always see myself as doing the best I can with my own couple of crude tricks. I'm super glad if the story's strong enough to overcome the flaws.

[caliente-uk.livejournal.com]

I'm finally up to date. I couldn't stop reading this. It's 2:30 in the morning here and I really should be in bed...but once I started I couldn't stop. I love everything about this story. This is what S6 of AtS could have been like. Everything is just so true to character. Spuffy is my OTP, but I also love Angel and you've written him so well in this. I haven't got anything to add at the moment...except to say that I can't wait for more. You've got me well and truly hooked. Thank you! :)

[thedeadlyhook.livejournal.com]

Yay! I'm particularly happy you like my rendition of Angel - I was terribly nervous when I started on him, worried that he'd sound too hostile or "off" when what I really wanted to get across was his grim determination, the kind of ruthless conviction we saw him give off toward the end of the show.

Next chapter, though, we'll be back on track with the Spuffy. Sort of. I'm feverishly revising even as we speak.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_jems_/]

I'm kicking myself for taking so long to catch up with this story. Love all the untangled plot points from last season and I can't wait to see what you've got up your sleeve next.

[thedeadlyhook.livejournal.com]

Have I really untangled anything so far? And here I thought I've just been making it worse! ; )

So glad you're enjoying. I'm working through sort of a troublesome patch right now, but so far this has been totally fun to plot.

[annapurna-2.livejournal.com]

Had to give up LJ again for quite awhile, but I've been chomping at the bit to get back and read the finished version of this story. I've been re-reading the previous chapters to get back into the flow and just had to remark:

"You don't have to prove anything to me! You've already proven yourself! You won, Spike! I love you! I love you! I love you! La la la, roses and puppies! How many times do I have to say it?"

Out of all the wonderful post-NFA fic I've read where Buffy declares her undying love for Spike ... this? ... has got to be my absolute favorite. Heh. Just perfect.

I've got to leave off for a bit now, darn it! But I hope to be back tonight to read some more.

[thedeadlyhook.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! And it's funny that you're re-reading, because I was just doing a re-read myself of some of the later chapters leading up to the ending, and was having to work hard to fight off the editing bug - oh, I should move that sentence over here, and crop that word off, move this... I apparently never get tired of the tinkering.

I was pretty happy with the 'roses and puppies' line, though. *g* Glad you're enjoying! And welcome back - I'd been worrying a little, since you'd been gone for so long. Hope you're doing well!